Stand up!

I have been appointed to provide the quote of the day at my job.  It not only gives me a moment to reflect on my mood and attitude, but also what I want to distribute to influence others.  My goal is to find something that makes others think and reflect.  I even throw a funny one in here and there.  But today’s quote had me frozen for a sec…

“Don't dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer.” -Denis Waitley

I immediately thought of the current events in this country surrounding the murders, deaths, and (what seems like) genocide of our Black youth, specifically male.  At this time in history, not dwelling on what went wrong is very hard to do.  There are members of the community who would love to NOT dwell on what is happening.  They want to move on with their lives or simply believe that enough time has been spent on the topic; just clean things up and get everything back to normal. 

But what is NORMAL?  Are you referring to the normal where those who have been executed are alive and well, with their families, and growing old and wise?  Or maybe where the wrongfully accused are no longer wasting away in jail cells and are working as employees, entrepreneurs, and CEO’s?  How about the normal where you don’t have to turn on the TV/computer and see another black face involved with violence or see another mother or father weeping for one more second/hour/day with their loved one?  Of course you want people to be able to move on and be at peace regardless of what happens in life, but the compilation of events are too massive to ignore.  The pain is too deep to simply subside overnight.  And parents of young black men, like many of my peers and I, are too concerned.

This country is going through so many emotions (fear, confusion, pain, grief, hate, love, excitement, etc).  It can be difficult to focus on what to do next.  However, whatever is done must be productive enough to ignite change.  We want to always be safe, reasonable, and respectful; we were taught to.  The law requires it.  But at times, radical, and sometimes offensive, measures must be taken to get people’s attention and change hearts.  Protecting our children is the priority. 

Everyone says that I am blessed to have all boys.  Everyone thinks it is so awesome that they are scholars, athletes, and upstanding citizens.  But the law does not care about the pride that I have as a mother.  The murderers, who would rather shoot and kill for any random reason, have no regard for the time and love invested in their development.  I wish I truly did not have to worry about my boys when they left for school each day, but I do.  I never thought I could love my boys more, but every day I look forward to seeing their faces and hearing their voices.  I no longer pass the chance to tell them I love them or snatch a hug & kiss.  I love them more, because there are more and more mothers who are having that snatched away.  The God in me keeps me in constant prayer.  Thus far he is answering.  This is a season of unfortunate and non-consumable truths.  The tragedies of Mike Brown, Antonio Smith, and countless others has me realizing that PEACE… is relative.  

Stand up for Mike Brown…

Stand up for Antonio Smith…

Stand up for my Kings…

Stand up for yourself…

Stand up for our future!

Until next time… Andrea

Beauty is her Shade?

After the conversation with my Kings about their experience, I wanted to know what they thought about beauty.  I know they are visual, noticing how young ladies are presented, but is skin shade a factor?  Being a plus model, I know that shape and size are.  I don’t mind them having a preference, but I want them to be open to the mind and spirit of the person.  So I asked, "What makes a girl pretty?  Does the color of her skin make a difference?"

They responded…

Free Spirit:  “I don’t care what shade they are, it’s about the person and how they treat you.  That’s what lasts.”

Jock:  “I don’t like dark skinned girls.  If she is dark, or brown, she needs to have pretty skin (no scars).  I like light skinned girls; the lighter, the better.  I like white girls.  And I like long natural hair or a good weave, like you taught me.”

Combo Kid:  “Their skin color doesn’t matter.  I like a great personality.” 

Boss:  “Color doesn’t matter, but she’s got to be healthy with pretty teeth. I don’t want a bald girl.”

Daredevil:  “I don’t like girls.”

Humanitarian:  “It doesn’t matter.  I like long braids.  I like a smart girl.”

Well, it looks like their preferences are surfacing early.  They all agreed that they liked a “medium sized girl with curves like momma.”  That felt good, knowing they have a positive example of a woman at home.  Hopefully that will help them filter the exaggerated images and ideals from the world.  When the Humanitarian mentioned a “smart girl,” I felt more relief.  I am surprised his older brothers had not mentioned it sooner, as that should be a minimum requirement.

When the Jock said “the lighter the better,” I had to slowly countdown from 10.  Where did that come from?!  I immediately wondered if it was a conditioned perception or just personal preference.  He could only explain that he liked someone closer to his complexion.  After all, his grandmothers are lighter in shade and great women.  I don’t oppose biracial relationships, but with my medium brown skin tone, I was slightly offended that his first choice was another race.  I know that it doesn't make me any less beautiful, but what does he think of me?  After all, I’m supposed to be the most beautiful image of a woman that he knows (until he meets his future wife).  Well, he does think that I am beautiful…beautifully "light skinned."  Huh?!  His brothers and I do not agree.  It’s evident that he only sees light or dark skin tones; something he has no explanation for.

That mini panic got me thinking again.  How do boys’ opinions play a role in how girls see themselves?  I am sure that the amount of attention girls receive has a direct influence on how they treat their bodies and display them to the world.  Of course other factors play a part, but think about all of the silly, unsafe, and unhealthy things that girls have done (are doing) to be noticed and recognized by the opposite sex.  Changes to the hair, skin color, body parts (minor and extreme) happen daily in efforts to catch and keep someone's affection.

We must strengthen our children; create a nurturing foundation with values and character.  Negative influences are rampant, so they need to know to not judge on biases and understand their preferences.  After all, the makeup brush and the knife won’t fix the soul.

Shades of Kings

With pictures of more diverse shades of black women in the media and mentions of doll studies with children, I decided to research.  I learned about Kenneth and Mamie Clark’s experiments on racial biases.  I also found Anderson Cooper’s videos on doll studies and how children view race.  The results pointed to the idea that the lighter the skin, the better person you are.  You are also admired more and treated fairly by all. 

Now this topic crossed my mind a couple of years back.  I was concerned because three of my boys have lighter skin, two are Honey Teddy Gram brown, and one is milk chocolate.  I would like to think that they are treated equal, as whites are, but know that they may not.  But within that blanket of inequality (of which I HATE to admit this unfortunate truth), are they treated any better or worse because of the shades of their skin?   There was no way for me to know except to ask them.  

Identified here, the Humanitarian, Daredevil, Boss, Combo Kid, and the Jock all said that they do not notice a difference in how they are treated as opposed to anyone else.  They are judged on their personality and how they treat others.  However, they agreed that teachers prefer the smarter students.  The Jock mentioned that his darker shaded peers are talked about more.  He went on to say that the way a person dressed, amount of money they had, sports involvement, and popularity played a larger part in how people were treated but the shade of skin was not a factor. 

That was great news!  I was so relieved.  But there was still one more son to survey; the Free Spirit.  He explained: 

"College it doesn’t matter because we are all different shades of the same color.  In high school, everyone is different and teachers only worry about scores.  The stereotype is that white students are smarter than black students.  With that type of thinking, the darker you are, the dumber you are.  Only thing that saved me was my transcripts and my people skills.  Even then, people thought I was skipping class and doing other types of unproductive things."

I never knew that he was dealing with this in high school.  I apologized to him and told him that his skin is beautiful and always has been.  His response, “Thanks.  I’m starting to see it.”  Just to know that he has gone his whole life with those negative influences broke my heart.  To think that other darker-shaded young males and men possibly go their whole lives, without any positive feedback, made me feel even worse.  Further research took me to an article discussing the bias related to intelligence and skin shade and the actual study.

Colorism is very real.  If you have little kings or queens at home, please start the conversation with them.  You need to be aware of the world they live in and they need to know that they are accepted, valuable, loved, and cherished regardless of shade.  

Stay tuned to read how my kings see beauty.

Until next time…Andrea