Beauty is her Shade?

After the conversation with my Kings about their experience, I wanted to know what they thought about beauty.  I know they are visual, noticing how young ladies are presented, but is skin shade a factor?  Being a plus model, I know that shape and size are.  I don’t mind them having a preference, but I want them to be open to the mind and spirit of the person.  So I asked, "What makes a girl pretty?  Does the color of her skin make a difference?"

They responded…

Free Spirit:  “I don’t care what shade they are, it’s about the person and how they treat you.  That’s what lasts.”

Jock:  “I don’t like dark skinned girls.  If she is dark, or brown, she needs to have pretty skin (no scars).  I like light skinned girls; the lighter, the better.  I like white girls.  And I like long natural hair or a good weave, like you taught me.”

Combo Kid:  “Their skin color doesn’t matter.  I like a great personality.” 

Boss:  “Color doesn’t matter, but she’s got to be healthy with pretty teeth. I don’t want a bald girl.”

Daredevil:  “I don’t like girls.”

Humanitarian:  “It doesn’t matter.  I like long braids.  I like a smart girl.”

Well, it looks like their preferences are surfacing early.  They all agreed that they liked a “medium sized girl with curves like momma.”  That felt good, knowing they have a positive example of a woman at home.  Hopefully that will help them filter the exaggerated images and ideals from the world.  When the Humanitarian mentioned a “smart girl,” I felt more relief.  I am surprised his older brothers had not mentioned it sooner, as that should be a minimum requirement.

When the Jock said “the lighter the better,” I had to slowly countdown from 10.  Where did that come from?!  I immediately wondered if it was a conditioned perception or just personal preference.  He could only explain that he liked someone closer to his complexion.  After all, his grandmothers are lighter in shade and great women.  I don’t oppose biracial relationships, but with my medium brown skin tone, I was slightly offended that his first choice was another race.  I know that it doesn't make me any less beautiful, but what does he think of me?  After all, I’m supposed to be the most beautiful image of a woman that he knows (until he meets his future wife).  Well, he does think that I am beautiful…beautifully "light skinned."  Huh?!  His brothers and I do not agree.  It’s evident that he only sees light or dark skin tones; something he has no explanation for.

That mini panic got me thinking again.  How do boys’ opinions play a role in how girls see themselves?  I am sure that the amount of attention girls receive has a direct influence on how they treat their bodies and display them to the world.  Of course other factors play a part, but think about all of the silly, unsafe, and unhealthy things that girls have done (are doing) to be noticed and recognized by the opposite sex.  Changes to the hair, skin color, body parts (minor and extreme) happen daily in efforts to catch and keep someone's affection.

We must strengthen our children; create a nurturing foundation with values and character.  Negative influences are rampant, so they need to know to not judge on biases and understand their preferences.  After all, the makeup brush and the knife won’t fix the soul.

Shades of Kings

With pictures of more diverse shades of black women in the media and mentions of doll studies with children, I decided to research.  I learned about Kenneth and Mamie Clark’s experiments on racial biases.  I also found Anderson Cooper’s videos on doll studies and how children view race.  The results pointed to the idea that the lighter the skin, the better person you are.  You are also admired more and treated fairly by all. 

Now this topic crossed my mind a couple of years back.  I was concerned because three of my boys have lighter skin, two are Honey Teddy Gram brown, and one is milk chocolate.  I would like to think that they are treated equal, as whites are, but know that they may not.  But within that blanket of inequality (of which I HATE to admit this unfortunate truth), are they treated any better or worse because of the shades of their skin?   There was no way for me to know except to ask them.  

Identified here, the Humanitarian, Daredevil, Boss, Combo Kid, and the Jock all said that they do not notice a difference in how they are treated as opposed to anyone else.  They are judged on their personality and how they treat others.  However, they agreed that teachers prefer the smarter students.  The Jock mentioned that his darker shaded peers are talked about more.  He went on to say that the way a person dressed, amount of money they had, sports involvement, and popularity played a larger part in how people were treated but the shade of skin was not a factor. 

That was great news!  I was so relieved.  But there was still one more son to survey; the Free Spirit.  He explained: 

"College it doesn’t matter because we are all different shades of the same color.  In high school, everyone is different and teachers only worry about scores.  The stereotype is that white students are smarter than black students.  With that type of thinking, the darker you are, the dumber you are.  Only thing that saved me was my transcripts and my people skills.  Even then, people thought I was skipping class and doing other types of unproductive things."

I never knew that he was dealing with this in high school.  I apologized to him and told him that his skin is beautiful and always has been.  His response, “Thanks.  I’m starting to see it.”  Just to know that he has gone his whole life with those negative influences broke my heart.  To think that other darker-shaded young males and men possibly go their whole lives, without any positive feedback, made me feel even worse.  Further research took me to an article discussing the bias related to intelligence and skin shade and the actual study.

Colorism is very real.  If you have little kings or queens at home, please start the conversation with them.  You need to be aware of the world they live in and they need to know that they are accepted, valuable, loved, and cherished regardless of shade.  

Stay tuned to read how my kings see beauty.

Until next time…Andrea

take off

Have you ever opened your eyes one morning, or afternoon, and wondered why it looked so strange?  An unfamiliar place; one you hadn’t quite planned for yourself.  Well, I’ve had plenty of days when I asked, “How did I get here?”  I started out going with the flow and the inch, that I thought I was giving, stretched to miles.  Sometimes things slipped from my hands and I went further than ever imagined. 

Now I am not speaking of negative things.  It’s too easy to remember those.  I am speaking of those times in life when everything comes to pass; when all of the hard work and sacrifice pays off big.  You launch a new business and the demand from consumers is so intense that you have to triple in size to keep up.  You go on that audition, land the job, and the work you do lands you bigger and better.  You go in for a cup of coffee and come out with a lifelong partner.  Some would call it serendipity, and by definition that is correct.  But when you add faith to the equation, I can’t help but call it favor. 

The series of events that occur once things “take off” can be overwhelming.  You go lots of places, do different things, meet varieties of people, make loads of memories, and hopefully learn so much in the process.  That unfamiliar becomes your new norm.  Enjoy these moments:  bursts of light, motivation, movement, and change.  The small ones add up like pennies, allowing you to savor one-by-one.  The big ones simply take your breath away.  Reflect on your successes to gain fuel for the future.  O, and don’t forget your faith.  You will need it where you are going… #higher #better #GREATER

Until next time… Andrea

Network-th

There are celebrities, people in the world of fashion and entertainment, and even the everyday “15 minutes of fame-ers” who keep large networks.  I wonder sometimes, what is that network really worth?  What good does it do to know/be familiar with so many people/have so many followers if they have no value to your life and you are not adding any to theirs?  It is not functional.  Don’t get me wrong, actual networking is great, but social association (for the hell of it) is slightly overrated.  It’s even worse when you THINK you are connected but find out that you are really the butt of the joke. People are being nice to you to get to someone else or using your connect to add some light to their shade (Twitter, Facebook, Instagram beef). 

The bottom line:  you may be climbing your mountain of success alone.  Sure you have encouragers but there are very few who are taking steps and tackling the terrain with you.  The time will come when you will need a break or to drop some people.  Simply leave them at the foot of the mountain.  It may not be easy to move forward without them, but it also won’t be easy if you have on hiking boots and they are wearing flip-flops.  Watch your circle, your network, and those who have influence and access to your life.  Be conscious of where you are going and where they are taking you.  Greater can’t be achieved by leaving your dreams behind.  #moutainclimber #thatswhereEAGLESlive

XOXO

In just a couple of days, it will be Valentine’s Day.  People all over are preparing for the ones they love, like, or maybe just sweet on.  Orders for flowers, chocolates, berries, and gifts are being placed online.  Appointments are being made at salons, barbershops, and spas.  Reservations are being made at restaurants.  People are even taking the day off or leaving early to participate in special plans.  But there are several single ladies, and men, who will go through their Valentine’s Day as any other day. 

Now yours truly falls in the single category.  No special plans have been made and no special someone will be calling (no side piece action).  I will go through my day and be open to whatever happens.  Thankfully, I never go a day without feeling loved, cherished, honored, and valued.  It just may not be in the most intimate ways.  Yes, that can suck at times, but this year I am ok with it.  I am enjoying loving myself, my boys, and my peace.  For those of you who have had relationship drama, I’m sure you understand how important peace is.

So I wish all of you a Valentine’s Day filled with love and appreciation.  Whether it is with your husband, wife, boo, child, or dog, enjoy the day.  Be sure to exude a great attitude and spread some happy vibes.  Make it a lovely one instead of a lonely one.  You never know what you will get in return.

XOXO… Andrea